I was staring at myself in the mirror and I wouldn’t believe that was me.

I was having a few negative days and that was the one thing that must not happen: I’ve ordered some new bikinis online and they’ve finally arrived but they didn’t fit as my mind wanted them to fit like.

That’s when my mind predictably popped back to the pictures of last summer when my soul was drowning but my body fitted those unhealthy standards I’ve been chaining myself to for years now. I was distraught and all I could do was stare at my reflection. It was 2012 when I first tried to puke after a big meal, a meal that was way more abundant than I needed, but I was starving, both my stomach and heart were hollow. All these years I went through many ups and downs and, everytime, I was sure I’d reached the bottom, unaware that there was an even deeper point that I would later reach. 

The worst I’ve been, and the worst I hope I’ll ever again reach, was this last year, I can say there’ve been two weeks only, in a whole year, I digested all I ate.

Predictably my body began to fail, I’ve been having troubles not puking either I wanted it or not, finding myself rushing for the toilet even though I had worked so hard to choose the correct foods that would not have made me feel that hateful guilt. I rarely felt at ease and I didn’t want to stand that feeling any more and that’s when I decided: I had to rebuild a stronger self and here the challenge began, for the umpteenth time actually.. 

So now I find myself staring at the mirror, and I hate it. It frustrates me to regret a body that isn’t even reflective or remotely accurate to my mental health or happiness at that time in my life; it frustrates me that now, currently the healthiest I’ve ever been, I resent a softer belly and a fuller figure. It frustrates me that sometimes I’m happy with my body, which I’ve never been before, and others I hate myself for taking this path. It’s been three and a half months since I decided to get back into my life and I’ll be the first to tell you I’m nowhere near to figure this out BUT it’s a everyday matter, some days I run trough and some I crawl; the more days pass, the more I feel stronger and the easiest I get back on track when something upsets me.

Three and a half months ago I chose me, I chose happiness and this is something I’ll never regret, and this is something that’ll keep me moving forward.