Sometimes I think about it. I think about what I’ve been through. Those times have been very difficult for me. The decision to break up with him because things were not going well. A painful decision after two years of relationship. A decision that was made even worse by my insecurities and fear of not having anyone next to me. But I knew it was the right thing to do and I’m glad I went through with it.
One night, at one of my best friend’s parties, after just another fight I decided to end it. On top of various insults, I received about forty missed calls from him. I didn’t know at the time, but this was just the beginning. For months after that day he kept on messaging and calling me without an end. What scared me the most about the decision to break up was that he often threatened me by saying that he was going to kill himself, paralysing me with fear and filling me with doubts and regret until I felt nauseated.
When I talked about it with my friends, who have always helped and supported me, they suggested that I talk to his mother, to inform her of the seriousness of the situation. I hoped that if he received help from his family he would finally be able to leave me alone. His mother wasn’t of any help. In any case it was good that I told her, because from a legal perspective, if anything had happened to him they could have accused me of hiding everything from them by not saying anything. In the meantime the messages, calls and sometimes, even visits to my house never stopped.
Towards summer (the whole thing had started in April) things got better and I thought that he had finally come to terms with it. Once again we got closer and we started seeing each other again. I hoped that he had changed. After a few months, I realized that what we were doing was pointless since he wanted things that I didn’t want. I distanced myself from him and the stalking started again, this time worse than before.
For seven months I received daily messages on my phone. I never replied. At the end, exhausted, I decided to block him on every social network. I really hoped it would never come to this, since he was a person I had been close with, and I would have liked to at least stay friends. However,that was not possible anymore.
Maybe it’s difficult to understand, maybe not, I don’t really know. But it’s very hard to live without ever feeling safe, with the constant fear of finding him waiting at your house, of starting a relationship with someone new, hurting himself in your name. It is hard to live with a constant feeling of guilt and pain, hoping that the neverending messages will someday end. When a guy behaves this way it is not love, but obsession, and it hurts both you and him. One should understand that this kind of behaviour is selfish and does not give any importance to how you may feel. I’m saying this because he often said that I would never find someone that would love me the way he did, not realizing that his was not love but an illness, an illness that I should never have had to put up with. For everyone that is in a similar situation, I hope that you will be able to talk to someone about it, and above I hope that you will be able to understand this: You have the right to break up with a person, you have the right to have other relationships, you have the right to be well and feel safe.